What Celebrity Couples do on Valentine's Day

feature

While us mere mortals enjoy a humble spag-bowl and a bottle of Pinot Grigio, what will our favourite loved up celebs be doing this V day?  We take a peek in to their futures…

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes

Aww, Tom and Katie - newly wed, a baby to coo over, a demented sci-fi overlord controlling their every move. Could life be any sweeter for the world’s favourite Hollywood couple? No doubt Tom has a wonderful evening arranged for his young wife. Perhaps dinner and drinks (seared Martian on a bed of moon dust, the blood of a non-believer etc…) followed by a night of luuurve with a descendant of Xenu, all in total silence of course.

Guy Ritchie and Madonna

’Tell you what luv,’ bellowed Guy over the dog ‘n bone to his trouble ’n strife, ‘we ain’t been down the boozer lately, they’ll fink we’ve given ‘em the elbow!’  And thus Madge’s Valentines evening was settled.  Lord and Lady Muck will begin their evening wiv some eel pie and liquor followed by a tumble down the local wiv their ol’ mucker Vinnie.  Luuuvley.

Kate Moss and Pete Doherty

Kate has had to remind Pete about Valentine’s day.  ‘Don’t forget Valentine’s day Pete,’ she muttered, as Pete’s vacant lollipop head stared back at her, mouthing ‘who are you?’ ‘I’m your wife Pete.  At least spiritually speaking.’  He nodded slowly and checked his tattoos for a reminder - ‘I should probably, like, write a song about that. About the soul destroying reality of, like, life and….that.’  Pete is still looking for Valentine’s day down the back of the sofa.

Preston and Chantelle

Remember Preston and Chantelle? They were on Celebrity Big Brother when it was just about bullying Jodie Marsh and politicians pretending to be cats.  Well Prestelle will be doing a loved up five page spread for Heat or Pick Me Up or something.  In it they will declare ‘we’re just like a normal couple really, we like watching TV an’ that.  We don’t just go to celebrity parties.’  This has nothing to do with the fact that they haven’t been invited to any since last February. Preston will buy Chantelle a pink teddy bear with ‘I wuv you’ stitched on its belly.

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie

A few years ago Ange would have spent Valentine’s day carving her name in to a poor unfortunate’s back with a ceremonial knife before retiring to hang upside down in her dungeon. This year Brad will be whipping up his world famous lasagne which they will eat before sharing the washing up, then settling down to watch old home movies of their Benetton family.  Oh, how life can change.

Elton John and David Furnish

’I had hoped that we could have a bit more of a fabulous Valentines day this year,’ scribbled David Furnish in to his gold plated diary, ‘but the servants tell me that Elton wants to keep it low key.  Only sixty five thousand pounds worth of flowers and dinner with seven hundred of our closest friends!  What will people think?  I’m so ashamed, Diary!  Could this mean he takes me for granted now we’re married?’

Jordan and Peter Andre

After the massive success of A Whole New World, shy and retiring Jordan has finally realised that she really is as talented as everyone says.  Yet she still doesn’t want to flaunt her musical talent and embarrass the likes of Whitney and Mariah.  Which is why, rather than appear at Wembley Stadium to serenade those thousands of lovers for whom A Whole New World is the soundtrack to their love, Peter and Jordan will be staying at home and crooning in to their Singstar.

>> back to Valentine’s Day main page